17. April 2026

Communication - Why can't we say how we really think and feel?

Hello everyone and welcome to: The Counselling Room: 

Why can I not say what I really think and feel?

When we communicate with others, our whole way of being shows how we are really thinking and feeling. People often say, it’s not what you said — it’s the way you said it. Or… you say you’re happy, but your face says otherwise. Even when we don’t communicate, our facial expressions and body language can consciously or subconsciously express how we are feeling, without saying a word.

When we do begin to communicate, our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs can determine whether we express ourselves in a positive or more challenging way. This can come through in body language, posture, facial expression, tone, pitch of voice, gestures, or physical contact — both positive and negative. We respond to all forms of communication by reacting to the information we receive. And with that can come a wide range of emotions — fear, vulnerability, inner confidence, or simply not knowing where to start.

In the counselling room, clients are often looking for a space where they can release their thoughts and feelings without needing to find the right words, or the right way to say things. They may feel ready to talk, but unsure how to be open and honest with themselves or their situation.

As a counsellor, I offer empathy, understanding, and patience as clients share their reasons for coming to counselling in a way that feels easiest for them. This may not come out in a clear timeline, or even make sense at first. There can be a lot of internalised emotion, frustration, or tears. The session becomes a space for them to think, feel, and speak in their own way and at their own pace. I encourage self-reflection and disclosure, and I accept my clients for who they are, without judgment, opinions, or advice.

There can often be hesitation in communication, especially where there is fear of exposure or vulnerability. This is particularly true when past experiences of communicating thoughts and feelings have been difficult or distressing.

So why do we sometimes choose not to communicate?

We learn many skills in life. We gain knowledge, practice, and improve until we feel competent, or even “perfect.” But communication — something we use every day — is rarely taught, practiced, or developed in the same way.

How do you communicate?
Who did you learn this from?
What are your experiences?
Do you communicate differently depending on who you are with — work, family, friends, socially?

Communication often begins in childhood. We learn to make sounds, then words, guided by parents or carers. But if those early experiences were not positive, or communication wasn’t encouraged or modelled in a healthy way, it can shape how we express ourselves as we grow.

Certain phrases can stop us in our tracks when trying to communicate our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Are these familiar?

Why are you always arguing?
Why are you so sensitive?
Don’t be silly.
What’s done is done.
Stop bringing up the past.
Stop causing problems.
Others have it worse.
Why are you crying?
Boys don’t cry.
Man up.
Why can’t you let it go?
Just get over it.

These are just some of the phrases clients have shared with me when they’ve tried to express themselves. If you’ve heard similar, and now feel vulnerable when communicating, you are not alone.

Communication is not just about speaking — it’s also about how we respond.

When we communicate with others, it can leave us feeling vulnerable or anxious as we wait for a response. This can feel even more heightened through technology, such as social media or messaging. How we respond to others can reveal how comfortable, or uncomfortable, we are with our own emotions.

Think about how you respond when someone is:

• angry or distressed
• emotional or tearful
• excited or joyful

Our responses — verbal and non-verbal — often happen automatically.

Something as simple as offering a tissue when someone is crying can appear comforting, but it can also be a sign that we feel uncomfortable with that level of emotion. Trying to quieten someone with “shhh” can sometimes reflect our own feelings rather than theirs.

Crying is a valid emotion. It is a way of expressing ourselves — and that is okay.

As this blog comes to an end, a question often comes up — how do I improve my communication?

Communication can start with self-talk — your inner voice. Speaking to yourself with kindness and understanding can help build confidence in expressing yourself to others.

Another key part of communication is listening.

Not waiting to respond — but really listening.

You may recognise phrases like:
You never listen
Let me finish
You’re making it about you
Stop taking it personally
You’re overthinking it

Communication is about listening to hear, not just to respond. If we are not truly listening, how can we fully respond?

In the counselling room, communication often begins with simple statements:

I felt…
I saw…
I heard…

Then comes validation.

I can see how that felt…
I hear what you’re saying…
I can sense your frustration…

When thoughts and feelings are acknowledged, communication can begin to flow.

If you have ever shared something important and been met with dismissal, annoyance, or no acknowledgment at all, you will know how that feels.

That is why validation, before response, matters.

I often describe communication as a game of table tennis.

The ball is passed back and forth.

Sometimes communication is balanced — both people are engaged, and the conversation flows.

Sometimes it is challenging — one person dominates, and the other feels unsure how to respond.

And sometimes it is unbalanced — the connection is inconsistent, distracted, or not fully present.

Which communication style feels familiar to you?

It’s also important to recognise that there are situations where open communication may not feel safe or possible. In those moments, your safety and wellbeing come first. Support is available.

I hope this month’s blog has offered some insight into how communication can begin in the counselling room.

If you would like to explore this topic further, including deeper reflections and experiences from my client work, the full version is available on my Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Disclaimer

This blog is intended for general reflection and understanding. The views shared are based on my experience as an Online Private Practice counsellor. The information shared is not intended to be a substitute for individual counselling or professional advice.

Lynda Peters (MBACP)
BACP Registration Number: 411958
Shropshire | West Midlands

I am a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), which means I follow a recognised Ethical Framework for good practice. This ensures my work is supported through regular supervision, professional standards, and ongoing training, so your counselling experience is held within a safe, ethical, and professionally guided framework.